so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
