I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
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Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
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Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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