Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
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Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
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I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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