At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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