I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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