shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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