when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
