Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
4 words: hood of his car
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
