I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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