just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
