She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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