I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I am available for nakedness
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
