Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
