I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
