filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
