I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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