I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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