saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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