I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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