My liver just broke up with me...
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
