look no pants
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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