I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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