I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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