i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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