mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
