I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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