forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
