It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
