The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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