Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
