I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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