I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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