The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
