I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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