I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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