My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
