I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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