You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
