I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
