Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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