i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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