No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
