Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
