he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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