I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
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told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
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I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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