I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
