i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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