The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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