Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
