I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
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