R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
