His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
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