i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
