I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
